Revelations and Fears

Last night I had a small revelation about myself. I sometimes get small realizations when it comes to my own behavior and shit. So last night I was lying in my bed, sort of in a bad mood and not really knowing why. This is also something that I constantly experience, bad moods for no apparent reason. But last night, as I said, I had a small revelation. To begin with I need to explain what I felt bad about in the first place. I was worrying about all kinds of things, here in Australia there is no sense of security and I always need to think about money, jobs and all these "grown up" stuff.

When I was living home with my parents I was constantly feeling bad about this. Feeling bad about the need to get a job, the need to work 9-5 everyday, the need to "sacrifice" my free time for a sense of freedom and survival. So, this "way of being" came back to me a few days ago, I started feeling bad because I "had" to do all these things, get a job, work, fixing CVs and all kinds of shit connected to this seemingly boring lifestyle. But last night I realized that the feeling I had about this, the "not willing" part of me was infact a fear. A fear that I've never known before, I always thought I never wanted to work or never wanted to fix a job or whatever. But what it came down to in the end was a fear that I've never seen before. I was afraid of taking responsibility.

When this sudden thought hit me I was reliefed for a second. The whole struggle I've felt to the subject of taking responsibility was gone, I simply stated (in my mind) that from now on I take on the full responsibility for myself and my actions. The "not willing" part of me blew away and instead a sense of responsibility replaced it, it felt so good. So the way I see it now is that I've been suffering for these last few days to get this into my head, to release the fact that I am no victim to life. Because in truth I am no victim, I create my circumstances with my own thoughts and emotions. So what I really want to stress here is that there is never really a problem, there is never really a struggle, it is always in the eye of the beholder. It might sound like a cliché or something you've heard a thousand times before but it does make sense. When you've gone through all struggles in life and you look back and you can see that you've learned something about yourself through all "suffering", then it serves a purpose. The fear of doing stuff and working made me realize that I need to do something about it, I need to take responsibility.

This all comes back to the fact that everyone needs to deal with their own shit, their fears and their insecurities, because in all fears lies an answer to who you are. Fear is a big part on the road to self-discovery, accept your fears and the "lesser parts" of your being and you are half way there. And yet again it goes back to our perception of things. We are meant to be perfect in every sense of the word, and don't get me wrong here, we are all perfect in every sense of the word. But we cannot exclude our fears or "bad" sides because then we are excluding a part of ourselfs. Therefore it is important for every individual to nourish themselfs and face the fact that they are afraid and accept themselfs fully in that.

You probably won't have the same fears as I do, but you certainly have something. And I'm not talking about the fear of spiders of the fear of heights, I speak about fears that is limiting and conditioning you. Maybe a fear of speaking your mind, standing up for yourself, showing your emotions or simply share your real thoughts about something. Take a while to ponder what you're resistant to, something that invokes a high feeling of "definately do NOT want to do". And perhaps it is where the answer lies, the fear, the core issue. I can only show you ways of how I recognize these things, but we all have to find our own ways and do the heavy work ourselfs. As I stated earlier we can all set ourselfs free if we intend to do so, and in this we have to go through what may seem to be struggles and hard times. But when you look back the hard times you can clearly see that the fears are simply tools we're given to break the chains of self-imposed limitation and lack.